Hang Ups

One of the most annoying things dad does is hang up any item he doesn't know what to do with or can't remember what the item is...which is to say--everything. It would be annoying enough if he taped the items to the walls, but No! They have to be hammered with nails to the wall, even if the wall happens to be a kitchen cabinet, the bathroom wall, the bookcase.

Examples of items he hangs up include: junk mail, decorative knick-knacks he picked up from around the house, family photos, the TV guide, the plastic ties from a loaf of bread. Our house looks charming with candles nailed to our kitchen cabinet, nail clippers and pens dangling from our lampshades. And that's just the INSIDE of our house. On the outside of our house, we have a lovely assortment of dining table placemats stapled to the house, oil filters, spare car parts, extension cords, oh--and this is useful--a toilet bowl scrubber! We also used to have a complementary toilet plunger hammered next to it, but I think he had to use it and it never found its way outside again.

After awhile, my eyes become inured to our domestic house-of-horrors. It's only when guests come to the house that I burn in shame. A while back, some well-meaning relatives dropped by our house to visit dad. The adults, my cousins, had the maturity to plant their faces with plastic, polite smiles while sitting at the edge of our dirty sofas (looking ready to bolt). Their young daughters (of about 10 and 12) however, couldn't disguise their incredulity. Their eyes darted about our Funhouse walls. They looked genuinely nervous. I suppressed the urge to push them out of the house. I was really embarrassed.